Through the Eyes of a 5 Year Old

As I travel through this journey, I often think that as I am telling my story, it may be difficult for people to see this through my eyes as a 5 year old. Yes, I am telling you the story and the struggles, but it was so different through the eyes of a 5 year old. As I address this issue, I have been down many roads and one of the roads has been the road of forgiveness and self empowerment.  I have written in my journal about how it possibly could have been if I would have told someone. I am going to share some of it with you in hopes that it will help you gain a better perspective of the emotional war that goes on inside a child’s brain. I firmly believe that a lot of outcomes would be so much better and more positive, if we can just get our children to disclose to someone they trust. In my child’s mind, I chose to shut out a lot of people and things. I didn’t allow the people that cared about me the opportunity to take care of me. I had preconceived ideas of what others thought.

Here are some of my thoughts about what it would have been like if I would have allowed the people that cared about me to help and take care of me. This is what I think they would have said to me:

“You are so brave! I believe you and will do everything within my power to make sure that no one hurts you like that again. I am sorry that you were hurt. But please know that now I can help you…together we will go through this hurtful time.  I don’t want you to have to pretend to be brave all of the time. If something really hurts you or your feelings, it’s okay to cry. Crying doesn’t mean that you are being a baby. Crying is not a bad thing. Keeping all those feelings inside can be a bad thing. It can cause you to be angry and sometimes mean.  Please don’t think that it is expected for you to always keep your head up and move forward.   I so want for you to feel cared for and loved all of the time. I don’t want you to feel like you are a burden to me; you are not. Sacrifices are made for you, but in a loving way. You are worth the sacrifices. Years from now, when you look back on these days, I want you to remember laughter and tears, but mostly love. I don’t want you to hold back on doing things you want to do because you are afraid and need guidance. I will help you. Talk to me. Tell me what you want to do. I want you to have as many experiences as you can. Just know that all experiences are not going to be pleasant, but that is how we learn and grow. I will not let you do something that will be dangerous or that I know will hurt you, I will not leave you with people that are dangerous and will hurt you. I am looking out for you. While you are very wise at 5 years old, you shouldn’t have to worry all the time about protecting yourself and other people. Let me help you.”

“You are a blessing. You are part of the family. You are the completion of this family circle. I see you when you are trying to be invisible. It hurts me to see you isolate yourself. It hurts me to see you make jokes about hurtful things because I know that deep down you are hurting. I want to hold your hand and tell you that everything will be all right. I will protect you from hurtful and evil things. I want you to be able to lay down the hurt, the grief and the fear; let me help you. But I need your help, I need you to tell me when you are afraid, I need you to trust. I want to help you and be there for you but sometimes I am unsure of what to do.”

And that my friends, is how it could have been. We cannot expect our loved ones to read our minds. We must tell them how we feel and what we need. As a five year old that was so afraid and so ashamed, I didn’t feel like I had the right to be loved and cared for. But the bright side to this story, is that I had a wonderful, loving family. I truly believe that even though they NEVER KNEW, their love for me helped me to be able to stand on my own two feet and keep going when I felt like there was no hope. They always believed in me and loved me no matter the circumstances. I just wish that I could have truly received all of the love that was offered to me instead of being afraid of it.  This is one of the many reasons that I want to help stop child sexual abuse. Children should be able to be GENUINE in their relationships and be able to trust without having that trust broken. Children should be able to laugh and play and cry and learn and dream without FEAR.  Let’s protect our children! It’s our job as adults!

My life changed in an instant, my innocence is gone…help me make my journey count by protecting our precious, innocent children. Together WE CAN.

Kriquette Davis is a 47 year old living in Eureka, NC. When she was five years old she was sexually abused. For approximately 18months-2years, she endured the continued abuse without letting anyone else in her life know. Now as an adult and a leader for the Goldsboro Family YMCA, Kriquette works tirelessly to help adults identify children who are abused and when she discovers abuse, works to provide hope for the wounded. That’s why she is a facilitator for Darkness to Light, a national program that gives her structure and purpose as she works to prevent what happened to her…to happen to someone else. If you are touched by what Kriquette has to say, comment on this story or contact her at kriquette.davis@goldsboroymca.org.